My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
