Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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