I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We need a shit load of segways right now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
