Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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