i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
