I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize