She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
