How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
