She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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