so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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