I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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