seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
