Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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