thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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