he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your cock deserves a montage
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
