Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
