dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
