I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
