We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
