Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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