There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
