My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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