flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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