Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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