So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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