I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
