is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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