Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
