if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
