I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
4 words: hood of his car
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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