i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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