meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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