A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
