Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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