this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
