Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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