you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize