so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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