If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize