He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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