I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
