found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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