I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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