Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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