I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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