You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
