Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
