i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
