Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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