I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize