I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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