my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize