Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize