he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My penis needs a shock collar
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
