Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
