In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
