i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
3 2 1 whiskey
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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