i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
