I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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