I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
