He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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