I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
