apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize